Office Birthing

HP is a prego who I work with and am very fond of, but I keep having these horrible dreams where she is having the baby right in my office. Most people would think this is just an unfortunate occurrence caused by my brain ruminating over the mysterious horrors of childbirth one day – the reoccurrence of the dream, of course, is because the images I wake up from naturally cause me to dwell on the idea of it more and soon I find myself trapped in a freaky little cycle where my inescapable terror of an imagination has the best of me.

What if this isn’t the case though? What if this is really just me developing powers of clairvoyance at the age of 27 and this is actually going to happen; HP is actually going to birth a tiny human right on my office floor.

If she has her baby in my office, I don’t know WHAT I am going to do. Whenever they have babies outside of a hospital on TV someone always yells to get hot water and towels and—at first—a voice in my head calmly says, “Okay, this is good, I have access to both of those things here,” but then the panic sets in, “Hot water? What the hell is that for?!”

...Do I dump the hot water on the newborn’s head?

Be clean!

...Do I make HP dip her hand in the hot water so she has to pee and forgets that she’s supposed to be giving birth? 

Is she supposed to be at a pre-teen slumber party for this to work?

... Do I just use the hot water to scald my eyes blind because birthing is a horrible sight and I’d probably have nightmares for the rest of my life??

Actually, I’m hoping it’s just for making us both tea when it’s all over and done with.

Of course, the sudden realization of not knowing what the hot water is for then strips me of any confidence I may have had in my knowledge on birthing and I start questioning the more obvious call for towels. 

The assumption is that they’re for bundling the new baby up in, or layering on the floor to protect the office, or just for cleaning everything afterwards? Maybe I could use some to ball up and place under my knees so they don’t get sore kneeling on the floor, or to wipe the sweat off my brow since telling HP to push will probably be exhausting for me. To be safe, I have decided that I will need enough towels for all of these scenarios.

I know she is due in November, but she could have a baby at any moment, that kind of thing happens. I need to talk to a paramedic or something so I can straighten this out before the baby is born—and in the meantime, maybe I will have a towel closet installed next to my desk.