10 November 2011

Shower Difficulties

Maybe it's from turning the clocks back, or because I have had Spaghettios for dinner three nights in a row, but I have been having a terrible time getting through the day without forty cups of coffee.  I have also been coming home and not sleeping at night.  It has crossed my mind that the lack of sleep could be directly related to my caffeine intake, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

Twice this week I have rolled out of bed and stumbled into the shower half-asleep with bloodshot eyes and only half of my brain functioning.  Both times I have had the urge to pick up my razor and brush my hair with it.  I haven't done it yet, but the fact that it keeps popping into my head is cause for concern.  



This morning I actually said, out loud, "This is for your legs, not for brushing your hair" while reaching for the razor.  Since I don't normally speak to myself out loud, my dog assumed there was an intruder and started barking.  I then got scared and dropped a can of shaving cream onto my toe.  My toe hurts now.

I am going to put a post-it note on the razor, just as an extra reminder for myself tomorrow... and maybe I will consider giving up coffee for a few days too.


01 November 2011

Carrots are Just Vegetables

Growing up, my parents told my sisters and me that carrots were good for our eyesight.  Considering my love for the crunchy orange vegetable and the coke-bottle-thick lenses in my glasses, I had always assumed this was a lie to get my sisters to eat healthy.


As an adult, I once woke up after a day of carrot binging with (what I thought) was perfect eyesight..  "It's a miracle! It finally happened!" I exclaimed in my PJs, "All hail the Great Carrot, Wizard of the Vegetable World!!"  Then I blinked a few times and realized that my contacts were still in from the night before and sticking to my eyeballs.

Carrots are not magical; they're just vegetables.


The end.

20 October 2011

Naked Ninja

Why am I telling you this?

Okay, Pop Quiz: I created the above picture in order to:

A.      Point out that I am either wearing a black turtleneck with matching gloves in all my PN posts to date OR I have been drawing myself as walking around topless

B.      Tell you to follow me on twitter @twitt_ninja because sometimes I say things there that are funny or awesome or both... usually both.

C.      Both A and B

The Answer is C, but even if you guessed incorrectly, I still got my point across.  WOOT!


**Side story: At first, I decided that I should not sign up on Twitter because I like to refer to it as "twitting" instead of "tweeting" and I was afraid that eventually someone would point at me and laugh like I was some sort of twitter-fool.

Sure, I could explain to the laughing person that I don't like the term "tweeting" and have decided to make up a new word for it, but who would believe me?  I would lose my twitter credibility and no one would want to be my friend anymore.  I would have to move far away and start my life over somewhere where no one knew my name or had ever heard of a tweet.  Canada? A nursing home? Canadian nursing home?

Anyways now that this post is out in cyberspace, I can use it as proof:  I realize "to tweet" is the correct term, but I prefer "to twit."  If you have been sent to this post for doubting me, you probably feel pretty stupid now.

The end.




17 October 2011

One Thumb Up

Today I fell down a flight of stairs.  I did not enjoy it.  I fell because the totally bitchin' boots I was wearing have high heels and I forgot how to walk in them.



The whole thing left my legs covered in bruises and my thumb swollen and achey, but it could have been worse -- I could have cracked my skull open and knocked all my teeth out.

For some reason I imagined myself smiling after cracking my skull and having 2.5 teeth left...

My thumb hurts so much now that I think I may need to have it amputated.  This will suck because I will never be able to give a double thumbs up again.



I hope the doctors let me keep the removed thumb as a souvenir so I can have it bronzed and place it on my mantle. 


13 October 2011

Pyro

When I was eight years old, my cousin Katie taught me how to light a match.  My parents had gone out for the day and turned to Katie as a suitable baby-sitter. 


Together we sat on my front porch striking matches against a box, blowing them out and tossing them over the side of the house into the bushes below.

…Recipe for disaster, right? 


Actually, no.  My house did not go up in flames that day.  Instead, a spark ignited in my heart for all things ablaze; candles, bonfires, grill lighters, magnifying glasses in the glistening sunlight, I wanted a part in all of it.  

I am sure that when Katie was teaching eight-year-old me the ways of fire-making she had a good reason for it.  She probably wanted to increase my chances of survival should I ever be trapped alone in the cold wilderness with nothing but my wits and a box of matches.


But if at some point during her lesson she revealed her rationale, I wasn’t listening.  My undeveloped child-brain processed nothing but the magical glowing flames that I was now able to create with a box of matches and the mere flick of my wrist.  Something inside of me changed; a sense of power and awe took over.  Fire good.

Fast-forward a few years to a cool breezy Columbus Day weekend when my cousin, Jillian, and I were roaming the streets of my greater-Boston hometown with a neighborhood friend, Cherise. 


The boredom of an unsupervised twelve-year-old can easily turn into catastrophe. We soon proved this after deciding on a plan to keep ourselves entertained.




Together we had great fun lighting the candles and blowing them out, dripping wax on logs and throwing burnt out matches on the ground until, surprisingly, one of our used matches sparked a flame among some of the many crunchy dead leaves littering the floor of the woods.


After about ten minutes, however, we had mistakenly lit one too many leaves at a time and not even our awesomeness was able to destroy the flames that ensued. 




Luckily, Cherise ran to her house to grab something to put out the flames.  Unfortunately when she left the fire looked like this:


And then she came back with this:


But by then the woods looked like this:


Then, appearing out of no where, a short, hairy man came to the scene and started beating the flames with a broom.  I am not sure what he was thinking this would do, but clearly it wasn't putting the fire out.


At that point, we did what any responsible preteen would do:


We ran to my house, sirens screaming past us in the opposite direction.  Inside, my mother and her friend were quietly catching up on each other’s lives before the three of us came barging in; rambling and out of breath like three incoherent meth addicts who just ran a marathon after getting their teeth drilled.









This was the obvious moment where we had to deny our responsibility.



Strangely enough, my mother was onto us.


Jillian had cracked.  She couldn’t take the guilt of lying for more than thirty seconds and spilled everything.

Cherise continued to lie out the door and ran home while Jillian and I were left bracing ourselves for a punishment that never came.  It turns out that my mother also lit the woods on fire as a kid while playing with matches.  Clearly it was in my blood-- and you can't blame a girl for something in her genes, can you?


21 September 2011

"Post" Card #3

The Belated Birthday Wish...


"Post" Card #2

For that friend who lives far away...


"Post" card #1

For that special someone...


Down With Hallmark, Up With Pickled

Today I went to CVS to purchase a birthday card.  I hate picking cards out and usually go for the ones that are blank inside, but there were none to be found.  Not wanting to purchase one of the many “humorous” cards with half-naked people on the front or tiny bug-eyed Chihuahuas wishing “Feliz Cumpleanos,” I was left with few options.  

I don’t know at what point it happened, but I started searching through the floral cards with sappy messages; cards that said things like “You’re the most super person I know” and “Here’s wishing the most amazing person an even more amazing birthday.”   Puke.

I wondered how often a card like that is given to someone simply because there is nothing else available.  I often find myself giving cards to people I don't even like, so why would I want to get one that gushes about the receiver?  If I did buy a card like this, I would have to make sure my personal message was more truthful than whatever Hallmark had to say.





I was so fed up that I quit the card search after twenty minutes.  Lucky for you, this terrible experience has sparked a series of “post” cards that I have created; cards that can tell the receiver how you really feel, cards for fun, cards for occasions that you wish they made a card for.  Send the link to one to someone special. It may not sing when you open it, but it’s free.

Stay Tuned.

18 September 2011

Gum King

The other day I went to Berkeley and Jensen's Wholesale Club to stock up on essentials like toilet cleaner and pistachios.



While I was in there I realized that I should buy some minty gum because I was down to two pieces and would hate to be stuck in a situation where I couldn't answer someone based on their proximity to me and possible rankness of my breath.



I grabbed a box of Eclipse and thought nothing of it until the next day.

Now I should say that usually I can be kind of miserly with my gum; I don't offer up a piece unless asked because then the gum-moochers all come out of hiding.  They hear there is gum and suddenly I am surrounded with open palms "Oh, can I have a piece too?"  Not wanting to come off as impolite, I begrudgingly share my gum and soon my pack of ten pieces has depleted. I am left with nothing but feelings of loss and regret. Because of this all-too-frequent scenario, I tend to be discreet with my gum consumption.




The day after my BJ's trip, however, I went into my bag to grab my gum after lunch and realized just how much was there.  That little wholesale box was a treasure chest of gum, carrying 20 packs of Eclipse!  I walked around my office passing gum out like I was some sort of king -- the King of Gum -- sharing my wealth with those less fortunate. My sudden generosity convinced me that I would make a great real king because I was so great at sharing without feeling bitter afterwards.  How could I when I had so much to spare?  




It's unfortunate that I wasn't born into royalty; the world could really use a philanthropist like me.  If Prince Harry comes knocking at my door then I will at least entertain the thought of marrying him, purely for the sake of touching the lives of others through my countless hours of humanitarian work as a Duchess (definitely not for the sake of touching him and making gorgeous, royal ginger-babies together).  Until that day comes, however, I will just have to stick to shopping at BJs.

The End